Life Sucks.

I read a blog recently about how we should "lean in" to the seasons of change we go through in life and trust The Lord. It was beautiful. I've actually read it several times. Some things have happened since the first time I read that post. I feel like i've tried to "lean in". However, sometimes it just isn't as easy as "leaning in" to changes that take place. Especially if they are hard or just down right bad circumstances. 

My husband and I knew this month would be hard for both of us. I'm getting towards the end of this pregnancy and it gets harder, but i've handled it really well.  I think he would agree. This month last year we lost my precious grandmother then two weeks later we lost my husband's father. We talked about it and thought we were prepared. It's day 9 and there is nothing that can prepare for you the heartache you feel. Some people have stated, "well now you can move forward" as if the grief process just...ends.  It doesn't. I think it's and ongoing process. You are constantly reminded of that person not being there when they should be. Even for just the littlest things you experience. You want to pick up the phone and call them, but you can't. You want their advice, but you can't get it. 

I've also received some devastating news this month in regards to other people in my life. I won't say their names or what they are going through.  Then I woke up the other morning and could not put any pressure on my left leg.  At first, I laughed because I thought this can't be happening. It didn't go away and I didn't think it was so funny anymore. Luckily, I had a doctor's appointment Monday afternoon.  I had to go for tests of course. It turns out it wasn't a blood clot. After nerve scans, it showed that I had damage and disruption not caused by this pregnancy, but it aggravated the nerves enough to make a statement.  I have to go to the chiropractor three times a week and get treatments for four weeks. Then I will go for another nerve scan and see if there is improvement.  So you if you see me limping around then that is why.  

I'm not prepared to start maternity leave early or be on bedrest.  I don't know what the outcome will be and I go back to my obgyn next friday to see if she'll allow me to work again. 

I left the doctor's office today and cried. Then I stopped to get an ice cream cone from McDonalds.  I never ever go there, but I love their $1 ice cream cones.  My husband was ready to hear the news of what the doctor said.  He listened and said he was so sorry and he knows how upset I must be.  God love him, he knew I did not want to hear anything profound or a bible verse to make me feel better.  Sometime's people just want to have someone listen and say, "I'm so sorry that really sucks".  If we are all honest, we'd agree that life just sucks sometimes.  I don't even think God would get mad at us for feeling that way.  He never promised it would all be rainbows and butterflies.  Honestly, it annoys me so much when people are so positive all the time.  Being "positive patsy" is great. I admire you and dislike you for being that way.  When you, "positive patsy", are always so happy and spit off bible verses like it's your job, it is annoying. Can you say for once that you are having a horrible day or that life just sucks sometimes? Can you stop saying "God will provide" or "There is a reason for everything".  I'm not denying that maybe there is a reason, but not everyone wants to hear or care about that reason during the tough times in their life.  Not only that, but I think we have to come to those terms ourselves.  

Back to my story.  I started feeling sorry for myself. Then I played a song that always brings me comfort.  

All the worries of this world
I will lay them at your feet
Surrender every anxious thought for perfect peace, your perfect peace
....
 I will look up for there is none above you I will bow down to tell you that I need You Jesus Lord of all

Jesus Lord of all
I will look back and see that you are faithful I look ahead believing you are able
Jesus Lord of all
Jesus Lord of all 
-Elevation Worship- I Will Look Up

See, I always come back, "positive patsy".  It has to be in our own time.  I hope that I will remember to teach Brynn and Natalie that it is okay to have bad days. That life sometimes sucks. That God didn't promise rainbows and butterflies.  That we are not alone in our struggles.  That it is okay to sulk for a moment and be upset.  It is healthy to be upset and shed some tears.  Then after that "moment", we are called to "lean in" to the seasons of change whether they be bad or good.  I hope that they will see how important it is to lean on God.  I hope that they will know it is okay to say to Him that they don't understand or that they feel mad about something that they may be going through.  He is our Heavenly Father full of grace and He does not care how we come to Him.  Mad, upset, crying, happy, scared, depressed, lonely...the list goes on.  He just asks that we come.  He will meet us where we are.  

Today, I couldn't lean in.  Tomorrow I hope that I can.  I won't give up on this month.  I know there is something great in store and the pain we may feel over these days is okay.  My hope is that we will lean into the pain, into the changes, and into the grief.  

"Christ came first and holds us together even when change comes rolling through" 

12 Months = A Year Old

We cannot believe this month is finally here!!! When you were born, we thought a year seemed so far away. We thought we had plenty of time to soak up all the moments with you. Your daddy and I honestly thought you would stay so little for a long time. Boy were we wrong! Time has flown by and here it is. You are not so little anymore. We can hold you on our hips now. Your legs fall off our lap when we try and rock you. You prefer to get down and walk whenever you can. You continue to grow more and more independent. You don't like us to feed you. You enjoy using your fingers to feed yourself. You now make laps around the living room clapping your hands and laughing. It truly is the best. You have worked yourself up to quite a fast pace of walking now. You LOVE for daddy to chase you around and tickle you. You love to play peek a boo. You aren't quite sure how to do it with your own hands, but you can do it with a curtain or blanket. It is extremely fun to watch you do it when you are in the bath tub. 

Baby Brynn you are down to two bottles a day. This makes me sad. You barely even finish them. I think you would actually just prefer to eat food all the time. You can hold the bottle yourself too. So you really don't even need us for that. 

In the mornings, you will get in our bed and snuggle while you watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. It really is the best because you are so sweet and love on me. My heart can't even take it! When daddy is home too- that is just icing on the cake because you snuggle with us both! 

Baby girl you don't like to be left alone for a second. You have to be wherever we are in the house. After a long hard day of work, you will reach those arms out for daddy and that makes him so happy. You give him a grin that you don't give anyone else. It is really evident that you know who people are and who you are comfortable with. You warm up to others pretty quickly. 

Your first birthday party is in a couple days and we are so excited! Family and friends will be here to celebrate with us. You have no idea how much you are loved and how precious you are to this family. 

The theme of the party is "Welcome to the Zoo" because you LOVE animals! Some of your favorite animals are penquins, dogs, cats, monkeys, and giraffes. Did I mention dogs because you really love dogs. I have a video of you playin with Aunt Kari and Uncle Brandon's dogs Marcy and Maddox and you are in heaven! You do love our cat Nala and we will catch yall playing together or staring out the window together, but you don't have the same excitement as you do for dogs. One day we will get you a puppy. 

Are you ready for the most exciting news....??? For your first birthday party we are revealing that you will be a....BIG SISTER come August 30th this year!!!!!!! We don't know if you are having a baby sister or baby brother yet, but we are sooooooo excited!!! 

From your Mommy:

As I think back on the past year, I feel complete joy. I've never experienced so much joy in my life. I have always known that I was meant to be a mother. There are no words to describe how much joy you have brought to both of our lives or what this year has meant to us. I hope that I have done well as a mother this year. Every time we complete another milestone, we are learning what to do for the next milestone. While this year has been such a joy, it has been hard as well. We have experienced much loss and heartache. In those moments, I want you to know that you still brought joy and happiness. You were the glue that held us together when we felt like falling apart. I think back to the moments when I have been really sick in the past year and all I had to do was look at you and you gave me strength to keep going. Learning to balance marriage, work, and being parents brought many challenges. We feel we are starting to get the hang of it though:) There are many people who look to see how much money they can make, the next ladder they can climb in their career, or the next thing they can accomplish and I don't fall into those categories. I just look at you. You are my greatest accomplishment. You are my heart. You fill me up unlike anything else in the world. Of course I have dreams, but my biggest dream is how I can pour into you to make your life better. To teach you about The Lord, life, hardships, love, caring for others, and that you can be anything you set your mind too.  I want you to know that you can always come to me no matter what. I want you to know that you will never have to worry about being judged by me. My love for you is unconditional and always will be. When you are happy, I am happy. When you are sad, I am sad. I will hold you up when you feel like you can't take anymore. I will be in your corner when you feel like you have no one else on your side. I will do my best to make you smile and laugh always. Even when you are twenty, I will hold you when you need me too. Please know that I will never abandon you. More than that, please know that God will never ever leave or forsake you. We are blessed to have you because of Him. I hope you look to your daddy and I and see a God centered marriage filled with unconditional love, laughter, hope, and stability. I hope you know that you will always have our home to be your safe haven. You are beautiful just the way you are. Real beauty lies within. Never forget that. P.S. Your daddy has called you beautiful from the day you entered this world. You will always be his beautiful baby. As we enter in to the next chapter, I will continue to do all I can to be the best mother to you. So many exciting things lie ahead and I can't wait! 

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are grey

You'll never know dear

How much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

I love you with all my heart 

Mommy

11 Months

11 Months. Sigh....This means you are almost a year old. Every single month you amaze your daddy and I. You are continuing to learn so much! 

January 13th you took your first steps!!!!! You started walking!!!! Can you tell we are excited??:) I shed a few tears, but I am so proud of you! You fell down, but got right back up and tried again! 

You have started clapping now to music, when you get excited, or just for no reason at all! It is the cutest thing in the world. Did I mention music yet? You LOVE music so much! You love all kinds of music as long as it has a great beat that you can bounce too! You can bounce up and down, clap your hands, and shake your head side to side. Baby girl, there is nothing like it when we all dance together in the living room. Those are absolutely some of my most favorite nights in the world. We also got to experience your first snow day! Well, it was a lot more ice than snow, but it was still a lot of fun. We dressed you up very warm and took you outside. Your eyes were full of wonder as you walked around in the snow. Daddy brought your Minnie Mouse Ride outside and you had a blast with that! We couldn't stay out in the snow very long because it was so cold! 

Mommy got really sick this month with a horrible stomach bug! It put me out for a few days and thankfully Nana came to help us. You stayed healthy and strong. The following week daddy got sick with the horrible stomach virus. I kept you away for a few days and you remained healthy. The worst part, is that I got it AGAIN a couple days later! Through all of this, you remained healthy and happy! 

Usually, you put yourself to sleep with minimal fussing. You fall asleep like a champ! You sleep all through the night until about 830 in the morning now. You are down to one nap a day from about 12-2:30. Sometimes you nap up to three and a half hours when you have played really hard that morning. On occassion, you will let me rock you to sleep like I used to do. It brings me so much joy to hold you and kiss your forehead. You are so big now in my arms. Your legs hang off of me and it makes me so sad to see you growing so fast. Time is flying by and I wish it would slow down. Your daddy and I soak up every moment possible with you. 

You enjoy pulling everything out of the cabinets, dumping out all of your toys, and following me around when I vacuum and sweep. You enjoy us reading to you every night. If we are sitting up on the couch then you want to be up there with us. If we are eating, then you want to be eating our food. We don't mind one bit because it's exciting watching you try so many new foods. 

When you turned 11 months old, we celebrated by going to get you your first Chick Fil A kids meal! Words can't describe how much you loved it. You ate all four chicken nuggets cut up and a few french fries. You also drank your milk out of a straw. Can you say BIG GIRL? Seriously, slow down. :) You have four top teeth and two bottom teeth. Some of your favorite foods are: peas, squash, sweet potatoe, grilled cheese sandwiches, yogurt, broccoli, lima beans, and ham. 

Soon you will be a year old and we cannot wait to see what the next month will bring! We love you to the moon and back baby girl!  

10 Months

10 Months = DECEMBER and Christmas time!!! 

Wow what a month baby girl! This month is Mommy's birthday (December 2). Daddy cooked and amazing meal, but you couldn't eat any of it yet. You say Mama and Dada all the time. You know exactly who we are. We've never doubted that for a second baby girl, but it is so nice to get called by name now. I usually get my name called when you are upset or want something. You know who other family members are as well. When you reach for us, it is the best feeling in the world. 

Your uncle Frank came to visit this month and we had so much fun. We took you Christmas shopping, to lunch, then came home and played with you. The most exciting thing happened....YOU STOOD UP ALL BY YOURSELF! We thought you were going to take your first steps then, but you just kept sitting down and standing up. We caught it on video!! Your uncle Frank was so excited! Dada was so excited too when he got home from work and you did it again! 

You still have about four bottles a day, but you love to snack and eat your three meals for the day! You can be picky with your food. Daddy says that doesn't surpise him, because I am a picky eater too. You take one to two naps during the day now. You will usually put yourself to sleep for nap time. I don't get to actually rock you to sleep very much, because you prefer to just put yourself to sleep and you will kick and scream when we try and hold you the way we used too. This just reminds us of how big you are getting and how independent you are becoming with certain things. 

December 6-10 we spent that time in Asheville, NC with Aunt Sue, Kayla, Courtney, and your great grandparents. They babysat you the 8th-10th while daddy and I were on trip for his company to the Biltmore Estate. We had a very nice time having alone time, but we missed you the entire time we were away. Aunt Sue, Courtney, Kayla, and your great grandparents enjoyed spending time with you and said you did wonderful! 

Unfortunately, you got sick again the week of Christmas with a bad respiratory infection. You were coughing, wheezing, and having a little trouble breathing. I took you to the pediatrician and he also told me you had two ear infections. We had to do breathing treatments every four hours the first couple of days. You did not like those very much. We ended up going to Rock Hill, SC to see nana, papa lew, and grandpa's side of the family. Your first Christmas was perfect. You started feeling so much better and enjoyed spending time with family. We all had a blast watching you play with all of your new toys! That Saturday, we spent all day with Grandpa's side of the family along with Aunt Kari and Uncle Brandon. It turned out to be a great day, even though it was really tough not having your Grandpa Tom there. I know he would have just looked at you and felt so much joy! That's how he was every time he was with you. You brought such a HUGE smile to his face. 

I can't help but reflect on this entire year and what it has brought us. The biggest blessing of all was God giving us you, little angel. You will never know or understand the amount of joy, laughter, and happiness you have brought to our lives. While there has been a lot of heartache this year, my heart is filled with the promises of God and I know that he will never abandon or forsake us. Trials, tribulations, and loss will happen baby girl, but God is the one that will help you through it. We still have many hard days. We miss my granny and your grandpa Tom so very much. They would be so proud of all of us. We've been so blessed this year and I truly cannot wait to see what the furture holds. God has big plans for you baby girl. 

We love you with all our hearts

First Word- 9 Months

How do I even contain my excitement in this post baby girl???

You are 9 months and doing SO MUCH! Your first word was......"MAMA"! Clearly, there was no denying that. I said "Mama" so much you probably thought that was the only thing I knew how to say myself. I was bound and determined to hear that precious sound though. You daddy was quite disappointed. He wanted you to say "Dada" so badly. So, he started saying "Dada" as many times as possible around you. Sure enough, you said "Dada" and "daddy". I have videos of you saying it all. These are proud Mommy/Daddy moments for sure. 

You are pulling up on everything! I keep waiting for you to stand up on your own or take your first step. We aren't in any hurry for these things though because then I fear you wont want me to hold you as much. So, take your time sweet baby girl. If I could hold you forever I would. You've had a couple of accidents pulling up on things, but nothing major. 

You experienced your first Thanksgiving. Everyone came to our house and we had a wonderful day! Wonderful food and great family time! You looked adorable in your outfit. We certainly missed having your Grandpa Tom there with us, but he was certainly there in spirit. 

You are growing so fast. I wish time would slow down. Sometimes I just look at you and all the wonder and joy in your eyes and wonder what you are thinking. I wonder if you know how much we love you. Your daddy and I try hard every day to provide for you and show you how much we love you. We are so blessed to have you and can't wait to see what the next month brings! 

Love you so much Brynn Elizabeth

8 months- Halloween time!

Happy Halloween Love Bug! 

This has been such an EXCITING month! 

1) You started crawling!! I got to watch you crawl for the first time and catch it on video:) You daddy was super bummed about missing it while he was at work, but when he got home you crawled to him so that made up for it. 

2)We closed on the house October 16th! Everything went really well that day. Then move in day was October 18th. Your nonni, johnny, mommy, and daddy knocked it out in one weekend! They called me a "slave driver" because we didn't sit down at all. Your daddy worked so hard to get everything ready for you so you could have all the space you wanted to crawl around. 

Welcome Home baby girl! 

You being a silly and happy girl at closing! Our lawyer said you were the best baby he has ever seen and he said he has seen a lot of children in his office;) 

Front porch with mommy!

The backyard you will enjoy more and more the older you get!So much room to run and play;) 

Now that you know how to crawl you are bound and determined to climb up the steps so we had to get a baby gate

Daddy grilling us our first meal at home! 

This was taken before we moved, but I had to post how adorable you looked in your halloween pjs! 

Halloween night! You were our precious little pumpkin! We didn't go trick or treating, but we plan on taking you next year. It was fun just watching you crawl around in your pumpkin outfit;)

Enjoyed your first bath in your big tub! 

Our stop at Mellow Mushroom on the way to Columbia. We took you to your first Carolina game. You didn't go in the game, but you had fun tailgating. It was really hot that day, but you were such a trooper about it. 

You are starting to babble a lot, and get more teeth in. Teething is no fun baby girl! This has been a very exciting month and it just keeps getting better and better. Every new thing you do and every little special thing about you just brings us so much joy. We love you with all our heart! 

7 month post

We've been really busy the past couple of months so i am playing catch up with the blogging thing. Luckily, I've wrote things down that have happened so I can keep up somewhat:) 

Not too many changes going on for our 7 month mark baby girl. You have been trying some new foods, you can sit up really well, and you have started to get on all fours. You aren't able to crawl yet though. I feel like you will be able to soon though. We visited Brian and Laura for their baby shower this month and had a lot of fun. You went with us and everyone loved seeing you. It was very exciting talking about baby Mack and we can't wait to meet him. Brian, is one of daddy's very best friends from childhood. Laura, his wife, is one of the sweetest friends i have ever met. It makes us very sad that we live so far away from them. 

You still very much enjoy Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. You also enjoy a few other shows on Disney Jr.  You are growing so fast. You can already wear 9 month clothes. Your daddy and I are currently in the process of trying to buy our first home. It hasn't been the easiest process in the world, but we know it will be so worth it when it is all said and done. The home is everything we have wanted in a first home and it has so much potential. You will have a ton of room to crawl. Unfortunately, we have hit several bumps in the road. We really thought we lost it at some points, but thankfully we had the support of our friends and family to help guide us through it. If it weren't for some people we wouldn't have been able to get the home. God continues to bless us even though we don't deserve it. That is how amazing our God is sweet girl. He loves us and wants the best for us even when we don't deserve it. 

We are supposed to close on the home Oct 15th. Just in time for the holidays coming up;) Your first Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas are just around the corner and we cannot wait! 

We love you to the moon and back sweet Brynn. You fill our hearts with so much joy.