Life Sucks.

I read a blog recently about how we should "lean in" to the seasons of change we go through in life and trust The Lord. It was beautiful. I've actually read it several times. Some things have happened since the first time I read that post. I feel like i've tried to "lean in". However, sometimes it just isn't as easy as "leaning in" to changes that take place. Especially if they are hard or just down right bad circumstances. 

My husband and I knew this month would be hard for both of us. I'm getting towards the end of this pregnancy and it gets harder, but i've handled it really well.  I think he would agree. This month last year we lost my precious grandmother then two weeks later we lost my husband's father. We talked about it and thought we were prepared. It's day 9 and there is nothing that can prepare for you the heartache you feel. Some people have stated, "well now you can move forward" as if the grief process just...ends.  It doesn't. I think it's and ongoing process. You are constantly reminded of that person not being there when they should be. Even for just the littlest things you experience. You want to pick up the phone and call them, but you can't. You want their advice, but you can't get it. 

I've also received some devastating news this month in regards to other people in my life. I won't say their names or what they are going through.  Then I woke up the other morning and could not put any pressure on my left leg.  At first, I laughed because I thought this can't be happening. It didn't go away and I didn't think it was so funny anymore. Luckily, I had a doctor's appointment Monday afternoon.  I had to go for tests of course. It turns out it wasn't a blood clot. After nerve scans, it showed that I had damage and disruption not caused by this pregnancy, but it aggravated the nerves enough to make a statement.  I have to go to the chiropractor three times a week and get treatments for four weeks. Then I will go for another nerve scan and see if there is improvement.  So you if you see me limping around then that is why.  

I'm not prepared to start maternity leave early or be on bedrest.  I don't know what the outcome will be and I go back to my obgyn next friday to see if she'll allow me to work again. 

I left the doctor's office today and cried. Then I stopped to get an ice cream cone from McDonalds.  I never ever go there, but I love their $1 ice cream cones.  My husband was ready to hear the news of what the doctor said.  He listened and said he was so sorry and he knows how upset I must be.  God love him, he knew I did not want to hear anything profound or a bible verse to make me feel better.  Sometime's people just want to have someone listen and say, "I'm so sorry that really sucks".  If we are all honest, we'd agree that life just sucks sometimes.  I don't even think God would get mad at us for feeling that way.  He never promised it would all be rainbows and butterflies.  Honestly, it annoys me so much when people are so positive all the time.  Being "positive patsy" is great. I admire you and dislike you for being that way.  When you, "positive patsy", are always so happy and spit off bible verses like it's your job, it is annoying. Can you say for once that you are having a horrible day or that life just sucks sometimes? Can you stop saying "God will provide" or "There is a reason for everything".  I'm not denying that maybe there is a reason, but not everyone wants to hear or care about that reason during the tough times in their life.  Not only that, but I think we have to come to those terms ourselves.  

Back to my story.  I started feeling sorry for myself. Then I played a song that always brings me comfort.  

All the worries of this world
I will lay them at your feet
Surrender every anxious thought for perfect peace, your perfect peace
....
 I will look up for there is none above you I will bow down to tell you that I need You Jesus Lord of all

Jesus Lord of all
I will look back and see that you are faithful I look ahead believing you are able
Jesus Lord of all
Jesus Lord of all 
-Elevation Worship- I Will Look Up

See, I always come back, "positive patsy".  It has to be in our own time.  I hope that I will remember to teach Brynn and Natalie that it is okay to have bad days. That life sometimes sucks. That God didn't promise rainbows and butterflies.  That we are not alone in our struggles.  That it is okay to sulk for a moment and be upset.  It is healthy to be upset and shed some tears.  Then after that "moment", we are called to "lean in" to the seasons of change whether they be bad or good.  I hope that they will see how important it is to lean on God.  I hope that they will know it is okay to say to Him that they don't understand or that they feel mad about something that they may be going through.  He is our Heavenly Father full of grace and He does not care how we come to Him.  Mad, upset, crying, happy, scared, depressed, lonely...the list goes on.  He just asks that we come.  He will meet us where we are.  

Today, I couldn't lean in.  Tomorrow I hope that I can.  I won't give up on this month.  I know there is something great in store and the pain we may feel over these days is okay.  My hope is that we will lean into the pain, into the changes, and into the grief.  

"Christ came first and holds us together even when change comes rolling through"